i don’t want to write songs, but (maybe, maybe) i want to sing songs again.

“For those of us from the old Jive Junction crowd who never cared as deeply about contests and prize money as some of our Hollywood brethren, Hal’s philosophy on dancing was a breath of fresh air. We were people who were doing this crazy thing not because it was popular or because it was lucrative or a gateway to stardom, but only because the music just made you go POW… that’s what old Memories used to be about back in JJ’s heyday. Hal was the epitome of that kind of dancer, not just in his philosophy but in his attitude, the way he treated others, the way he was so open about his knowledge of the dance and the things he had brought to it. This hobby was supposed to be fun. Hal made sure he was having fun wherever he went, and he never stopped having fun.”

—from Hal Takier: 1917–2012 on Jive Junction (by dear friend Marcelo Teson)

my life is uncontrolled chaos, again.

these are not resolutions.

and these are not shoulds.

but these are the things i will do more of in my life, i will make a place for these things, carve out a space for them and not worry about all of the other things i always thought i should be doing.

1) stay up late. (yes, you read that right.)

2) play music.

3) make music. but i’m not going to pressure myself to write songs anymore. i just want to make music, whatever that means.

4) listen to more music. more more more more more.

5) walk. walk through my beautiful, dirty, and messy city. unless it’s after 2 a.m. and before 7 a.m. (i’ve thought this through.)

6) make pictures. not just make pictures, but take picture making to the next level. find the pictures i want to make, and figure out how to make them. stop taking the picture in my head, where it will fade and leave. make the picture.

7) write.

looking at pictures in the distance

because these pictures are places i am tapping into once again, tapping and tripping and falling and bruising and bumping into these things inside that are emerging and breathing and feeling. and they are so good.

someone is pushing me again. in all of the right directions, in all of the right places. and in turn, i will push myself.

10/23/05

and so later in the conversation she says,
i’m moving to san francisco in january. like clockwork gears rotating into a perfect click there i am, and it has hit, hit hard like bricks and buildings. like sunshine and fog and cigarettes and kisses all come true.

little, tiny, bits of perspective.

new.

i realized suddenly today when on my way to go buy groceries for (i kid you not) the first time in at least a month and a half (MAYBE even two months) that my life has been in this strange kind of limbo for, well, at least the last month and a half (yup, maybe even two months or more).

there was burning man. there was cabo. oh, there was cabo. there were a million things in between to pack, plan, unpack, repack, write down, and plan all over again. things to think about. things that got lost in the shuffle. some things, some moments, and definitely some people who were very, very good to me. and there are things that are still piled up around the edges of my apartment with nowhere to go just yet.

and then,

somewhere along the way, i left a.c.t.

i’m still in denial about it all, which is fine. i can handle that. it will probably be quite awhile until i actually delete that email account from my phone (totally normal, right?).

and while all of that was happening. while all of those decisions were unfolding and revealing themselves without me even feeling like i raised a finger, here i am.

and i have a new job. a new job that promises everything i think i might be ready to say yes to, like more challenges. lots of challenges. and more money. and more responsibility. and more of a voice! and more taking risks. and more feeling like i don’t know what the hell i’m doing. it will be good to be in those places again, where i will hope and hope and sweat and hope that i can pull it all off in the end.

and there will be quieter days. we will return to our regularly scheduled programming, in regards to both our television shows and our gym schedules. we will cook. and we will scrub. and we will throw out half of our closets to make room for more permanent things.

and we will be apart for a bit, and that’s just how it will have to be.

and,

just like that, the seasons will change again.